22092012(1:20am)

I am currently sitting here listening to your gentle breathing and wondering how I got so lucky. Sitting here absorbing your scent and everything about you. I can hear the little whistle you get when you breathe through your nose.
Occasionally you’ll mutter in your sleep.
Sleep. I really want to snuggle up beside you and sleep until the world ends, but I don’t want to miss a thing you do. Even if it’s just muttering incomprehensible phrases, or occasionally my name. There is nothing that gets my heart racing like knowing you can’t escape the thought of me.
Because I can’t escape the thought of you.
Tomorrow you might notice the message I left on the back of your hand for you to find when you’re stressing out in the exam hall.
I love you. 

0 notes / 1 year ago / reblog
20092012

Bulimia Nervosa Criteria:

  1. Recurrent episodes of binge eating, characterised by:
    - Eating an amount of food larger than most people would eat in normal circumstances.
    - A sense of a lack of control over eating during an episode.
  2. Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behaviour to prevent weight gain.
  3. Binges occur at least twice a week for three months.
  4. Self evaluation unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
  5. Does not occur exclusively during an episode.

Some patients report a feeling of being in a trance-like state during an episode. Unable to be distracted from the episode. Inability to perceive a world outside the episode.

Some cases brought on by stressful environments or feelings, intense emotional trauma etc. Symptoms of anxiety also related to the disorder.

0 notes / 1 year ago / reblog
12092012

That couldn’t have come at a worse time.
The day I’ve had, up until five minutes ago. Stress.
My stress was stressed. And that was stressing me out. And everything was stress.
Get up, get dressed, get breakfast, go to Uni, come home, go shopping for food, spend less than $50 or die, carry food from one end of the mall to the other in four bags, arms almost fell off, go home, pack food away, eat lunch, write more essay paragraphs, find more related articles, work out, relax - but not really, work out, eat something, back to uni, put in retainer for the first time in 5 days, mouth on fire, find out marks for presentation, not good but better than expected given the circumstances, argue with Annoying again, go to tutorial, sit in an almost empty room, do work, troll Facebook, come home, write more essay paragraphs, email parents and sibling and reassure them that I’m fine, warm up exercises, toilet break, get period, immediate realisation cramps, start crying, go for run, pull leg muscles, twist already disjointed ankle again, arms still hurt, push it further because bloated and binge eating is imminent, cannot move leg, pushups, lie on floor crying for five minutes, more push ups, star jumps, boobs hurt more now, drink water, warm down sit-ups and stretches, lunges, feel knee pop, awesome, everything, crying all the way, oh what fun it is to be hormonal everyday.

My body is screaming at me to give myself a night off, to lie in bed and read and snooze and eat bad foods, but my brain is telling me no. Telling me to take the Panadol that’s sitting infront of me, teasing me, man up about being a woman and do the rest of this essay so I can enjoy my weekend without feeling guilty.

"I will not be broken, though I am the one that bleeds." 

0 notes / 1 year ago / reblog
10092012

I’ve recently let go of a lot of things.
A lot of people close to me have either walked out of or been pushed away from my life in the past 18 months. I’ve recently realised that, in most cases, this is for the best.

From one-sided friendships, abusive relationships and just generally shitty people, I’ve changed my world by removing them and replacing them with people at least ten times better.
It’s been an eye opening experience. I’ve realised just how few people in this world I can trust with my emotions, how few people understand that friendship is a mutual benefit scenario, and how few people can carry an intelligent conversation that doesn’t pertain to other members of our social circle.

It’s common knowledge that you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone, but I’ve also found that you never realise how much you’re giving and how much effort you’re putting in until you stop, step back and look at the bigger picture from an objective point of view.
To have given as much time as I had to a recently ended friendship was almost unheard of. To have done so with not even 20% of it being reciprocated is stupid. The amount of time I wasted in a friendship which, looking back, made me more miserable than it did happy, is almost inhumane. To think that I voluntarily did that to myself for as long as I did, I feel like an idiot. But, I’ve moved on to bigger and brighter things, and better friends and times.

The sheer number of people I have devoted more time than deserved is embarrassing.
The feeling that I am supposed to get when I friendship disintegrates, the tense feeling in my shoulders, the sinking feeling in my chest, the frustration, the anger, the confusion - it never comes with the ending of a fauxship. 
Take the last two that I have walked away from and not looked back. One ended with out even trying. There was no gradual letting down, it just stopped. It was as if we had nothing further to say to one another. And it was a relief.
One ended abruptly, and violently, but I walked away without a backwards step, and it was as if the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. Instead of focussing so heavily on someone else’s needs for once, I decided to focus on my own, which is what made the decision and aftermath of said desertion so easy for me to handle.
Looking back doesn’t hurt as much as it did with the friendships that were reciprocal, that meant something, that weren’t just giving and no return.
But those are the ones that a working themselves out slowly, because those are the ones that deserve effort.

Looking forward, everything looks much brighter. The world as I knew it was bringing me down without my knowledge or noticing.
Things are looking up, oh finally. 

0 notes / 1 year ago / reblog